Curveballs.: Happy Birthday Logan

October 18, 1995: I sat in the waiting room, nervously tapping my foot. My turn was next. I was 10 days overdue and I was hoping today would be the day I would be induced. To anticipate your due date, then have it come- and then go- is so disappointing. Abby sat next to me with a book, babbling away. Her little mouth never stopped, she always had something to say about something. She was 3, and everything was exciting "mama, look at this!" and "mama, what does this say?" She kept my attention until my name was called.

The ultrasound tech wasn't all that talkative. She was pretty right to the point- "Your baby has the cord around his neck, I need to get the doctor" and she was gone. I'm laying there alone on the table, shirt pulled up, gel dripping off my little bump. I hadn't gotten nearly as big with this pregnancy- no matter how hard I tried, so I was still comfortable and loved my little belly. Abby came over and asked if we were done. "Not yet" I told her.

The doctor in charge of the department that day came in. I'd seen him off and on through this pregnancy, any time my regular doctor was away. He confirmed that the baby's cord was indeed around his neck. He looked at me, looked at Abby, asked if I had anyone else with me. I said I didn't, my husband was at work. At that time Seth was working 4 days a week, 10 hours each day. This was one of his 'on' days and he wasn't due home for several hours. I figured even if they had induced me he'd have plenty of time to get there, so I didn't make the appointment a big deal, he went to work.

The doctor asked how long it would take for my husband to get to the hospital? I told him less than an hour. He sort of hemmed and hawed, looked at the image on the screen again and said "I'm going to send you home. Be back here at 7 am for induction". And he walked out. So that was that, I cleaned up, grabbed my Abbygirl, and we went home.

If this had happened today, I would have insisted we start the process immediately. I would have been assertive and demanding....but I was 21, and trusted them..

The next morning, bright and early, Seth and I headed to the hospital. I was hooked up to the IV and Pitocin was started. Seth paced. My mother, who was in the final rounds of cancer/chemo showed up to support me. Now, what happened next is all written out in my blog named "birth". To summarize, my labor with Abby had taken about 12 hours total, so this time while we were waiting for the contractions to really get going, I sent Seth away to buy the car seats I'd been wanting, thinking there was plenty of time and not much for him to do sitting at the hospital. I am a silent sufferer, and having been through this 3 yrs earlier, I knew there was literally nothing he could do or say that was going to help me. I am just like that with pain- I deal internally. No screaming, no swearing, just pick a spot to focus on and let the pain do it's work- get this baby out.

The baby came extremely fast. Nurses rushed to get a doctor. The doctor looked surprised as he delivered this tiny head, I don't think he expected it to happen this fast. As this was happening, my sister walked in with a camera and started recording. He had me stop pushing with just the baby's head out so he could cut the cord. The cord was wrapped extremely tightly around the baby's neck- twice. The cord had actual knots in it as well. This baby had been an acrobat in my stomach, so I wasn't surprised. After I was finally allowed to deliver the rest of him- he didn't move or cry. He had blue hands and feet. He was limp. They didn't lay him on my stomach like they had with my other delivery- they took him.

My sister taped all of this, so I have watched it over, and over, and over. He finally does take a breath at the 1 minute Apgar marker, and because of that, he got decent Apgar scores. He cries shortly after. As his blood oxygenates, his color pinkens up and he looks healthy. He is much smaller at 7 lbs 2oz, 19" than Abby had been at 9lbs 3oz, 21". He wasn't small by newborn standards, but he looked so tiny to me.

Seth walked in before I held the baby. I guess I forgive him..I mean, I had sent him on the errand and there was no way to tell how fast this would happen. I did have my mother and sister there.

I finally got to hold him. This little, scrawny, beautiful, baby. His arms and legs were like chicken bones, not much fat at all. Besides being a little skinny- he was perfect. I felt great- the labor was fast and although much more painful than with Abby, it was relatively easy as far as pushing and all of the exhausting work. I got right up and showered and felt even better.

About 6 hours later my mother in law came in with Abby. We got it on tape- the baby was still unnamed up until this point. I asked Abby "what are we going to name him? You can pick his name" she smiled brightly and said in her cute little voice "Logan".

So began our journey of being the parents of Logan. We became a 4 person household. I was 21, and still new at this, but Abby had been so much fun, so I figured this would just enhance our family- and it definitely did. Logan was a welcome addition, even when the problems started.

I've also blogged about his progress and his medical issues in previous posts, so I won't list off all of the details of the things he's been through. I will say that within a couple of weeks I knew there was something wrong. His arms and legs were so skinny, but his abdomen was distended. He was coughing. He was vomiting a lot and often. At 8 wks he had a corrective surgery for Pyloric Stenosis, which was his first of many hospital stays. He failed to thrive no matter what we did. He was frequently dehydrated and needed extra nourishment. We were at the hospital a lot and a feeding tube was discussed more than once.

He was missing milestones left and right. Not sitting up, not walking. He was so, soo small. Its been a long, arduous journey for all of us. I have included several photos at the end of this blog, sort of a timeline as he aged. He looked adorable with clothes on, but so skinny undressed. At about the age of 6 was when he finally filled out and got to a healthy weight.

Being his mother has been the toughest and most rewarding job I have ever had. I've gone through a range of emotions I never knew I had in me. I have dug a courage out of myself that I never knew existed. I have been proud of things I would have otherwise taken for granted. He has taught me some life's lessons, and I have learned what is truly important. I am a completely different person than I was before being his mother. On the days when I would rather just stay in bed, the fact that he gets up and faces his challenges head on gives me the extra push to make it through my day.

The last 17 years have been an amazing whirlwind of hope and love. They have created memories and bonds that are so special.

Happy Birthday LoganBerry. You are the best son I could have ever hoped for. You make my life worth the effort, and you make me a better person on a daily basis. I wouldn't be half the person I am if I had never had you. Together we can and will overcome anything and everything. No mountain is too high, no river too wide. I will always stand by you, I will always fight for you, I will always love you.

I love you oh-teen-and-a-half honey pie. Love, Your Honey Nugget