Me? Let Go?....maybe someday

**Cough cough sniffle** My ninja-like immune system failed miserably at fending off the germs. I can feel them invading my body and head as I sit here contemplating going to work. I was sooooo convinced I would not catch this- even pushing my luck by kissing that little cold-ridden boy dangerously close to his germy breath. I simply cannot help myself.

So I am asking myself..When will I be able to help myself? Ever? He's 17 for crying out loud. He's BIG, he's GROWN! At thirty will I still be chasing him around for a quick squeeze? I need to get a grip here...

The problem is, its NOT me. Its him- he is simply too freaking cute, too damn sweet and extremely frigging lovable. It's literally his one and only fault.. Totally not my issue, I mean no human, especially a mom could be expected to resist that combination of charming. Even when he's being a jackwagon, he really isn't. It must just be how I am interpreting his behavior, because he is far too adorable to be a jerk. It's something I deal with, and need to check myself every now and then..Okay daily, but I am working on it. There are so many things in the world that really need some work before I can be expected to let go. I don't know how any kid can expect to grow up and get out of the nest these days..

The mess in his room, I would have to admit that's just a freedom of expression and a way to be creative on his part. Folded clothing?  So rigid and ordinary.. And if there is one thing we all want, its for our kids to be independent and creative-am I right? And I know for a fact all the stuff of mine that I find in his room when I clean it? He's looking out for me, keeping it safe. If anything disappears, I usually know just where to find it, safe and sound.

The little stuffed ponies. Why would you make a pony, put it into a 50cent grab machine, but not make it durable enough to cram into a backpack with 10 other ponies? You should be able to love and shove as many ponies into a small space as you want, without the seams ripping. Stuffing coming from your beloved pony can be traumatizing. They need to rethink this design. Pisses me off.

Another total conformist type BS we don't adhere to? Pee, all in the toilet. I mean, if bathroom designers really expected no sign of back splash- all bathrooms would be wall to wall carpeting. And on the subject of toilets- who the hell decided we need these low water pressure commodes? They simply cannot handle the amount of toilet paper my baby needs to use, and overflow is a constant threat. Horrible design.

Oh, and while I'm thinking of it- who the hell would design a laptop that can't handle a good stepping on? I mean how cheaply made are these things? You'd think they'd factor that in to the design. You can't expect people to realize there's a laptop on the floor covered in clothes, that's just crazy....Electronics in general are really inconsiderate as a whole. Did you know if you repeatedly remove a battery and SIM card from a cell phone eventually it locks you out?? Wtf is that about? Oh, and Xbox360- it's stupid how easy it is to change the whole thing to Japanese. You need Google Translate and a YouTube tutorial to get it back. Unreal.

Seriously, this is what I'm dealing with. Are you F'ing kidding me??

So, someday my baby will be grown, and I will have to maybe..MAYBE lighten up on the hugging and kissing and force cuddles, but with all of these other issues, how can I expect him to manage on his own? There's so much work for this world to do before it's ready for Logan unleashed. Until then, I will be here making sure none of these ridiculous issues impact him negatively. God this is a tough job...

Dear Logan

Dear Logan,

I used to write you letters when I discovered I was pregnant, and after you were born, and then you got very time consuming and I stopped. I wish I'd continued, to give you a glimpse into what its been like to be your mother, but I simply didn't have the free time.

You are 17, a junior in highschool. You are funny, sweet, loving, and stubborn. You are just about the toughest kid I know, facing needles, hours of testing and struggling through therapies and homework assignments head on with little resistance. It wasn't always this way. I recall a time when it took myself and 2 grown men to hold you for a blood test. We have skipped many nights of toothbrushing, and forget about trimming fingernails.

You have your own way of doing things, and over time I have come to accept and appreciate this about you. You like to sleep with stuffed ponies, caring for them as if they were alive, sewing up their worn spots or split seams with intense concentration. You resist writing, and often resist speaking, but you are getting better and more willing to do more of these things.

You will help yourself to any and all food in the house, and have to be monitored pretty constantly or I am likely to discover empty boxes and wrappers in your bed when I change it. Your physical strength is outstanding, and you can toss me around with little effort if you so decide to. Lucky for me, I have taken you on more than once and held my own in these instances- which has made you think twice when you're really mad at me.

You love your animals as much as you love anyone, and I am so happy we are able to have all of the pets that we have for you to love and care for. It crosses my mind daily that Moo Montana will be passing in the next couple of years, and I worry how you will handle that.

I am in awe of your determination and strength. You embrace your life, as well as anyone who enters it. I get my own strength from you.

I have never known another person like you. I never thought I could be the mother I am. I never knew I had such a powerful force living inside myself, brought out only when you have needed it. I will always fight for you, I will always interpret for you, and I will always ALWAYS be behind you 100%.

This may not be the life I thought it would be, for myself or for you, but it's a lovely life and I am thankful for every second of it. You inspire me, you motivate me, you intrigue me and you complete me. I love you so very, very much honeypie.

Saying goodbye to our girl

Back in August my daughter called with some news, and our fall would take a different path than I had planned. I blogged about it here Thank you Kevin.

I have had 4 bonus months with her, a bonus birthday with her, and a bonus Christmas with her, so I can't complain that she trashed her old bedroom and I had to live with a kitty litter box for the last 17 weeks. I've loved having her here, and Logan has been so happy to have her around.

We say goodbye tomorrow, and its never easy. I'm not sure how Logan will handle it, or deal with it after she's gone. When she left last December I heard daily "I miss her Abby", I hope he isnt too sad. They have a bond like no other, it's so sweet. We had a great time. I'm so proud of you! We'll miss you AbbyGirl.