Dear Logan

Dear Logan,

I used to write you letters when I discovered I was pregnant, and after you were born, and then you got very time consuming and I stopped. I wish I'd continued, to give you a glimpse into what its been like to be your mother, but I simply didn't have the free time.

You are 17, a junior in highschool. You are funny, sweet, loving, and stubborn. You are just about the toughest kid I know, facing needles, hours of testing and struggling through therapies and homework assignments head on with little resistance. It wasn't always this way. I recall a time when it took myself and 2 grown men to hold you for a blood test. We have skipped many nights of toothbrushing, and forget about trimming fingernails.

You have your own way of doing things, and over time I have come to accept and appreciate this about you. You like to sleep with stuffed ponies, caring for them as if they were alive, sewing up their worn spots or split seams with intense concentration. You resist writing, and often resist speaking, but you are getting better and more willing to do more of these things.

You will help yourself to any and all food in the house, and have to be monitored pretty constantly or I am likely to discover empty boxes and wrappers in your bed when I change it. Your physical strength is outstanding, and you can toss me around with little effort if you so decide to. Lucky for me, I have taken you on more than once and held my own in these instances- which has made you think twice when you're really mad at me.

You love your animals as much as you love anyone, and I am so happy we are able to have all of the pets that we have for you to love and care for. It crosses my mind daily that Moo Montana will be passing in the next couple of years, and I worry how you will handle that.

I am in awe of your determination and strength. You embrace your life, as well as anyone who enters it. I get my own strength from you.

I have never known another person like you. I never thought I could be the mother I am. I never knew I had such a powerful force living inside myself, brought out only when you have needed it. I will always fight for you, I will always interpret for you, and I will always ALWAYS be behind you 100%.

This may not be the life I thought it would be, for myself or for you, but it's a lovely life and I am thankful for every second of it. You inspire me, you motivate me, you intrigue me and you complete me. I love you so very, very much honeypie.