Last night I was scrolling through my inbox. I get many, many messages saying the sweetest things. They usually express that they feel encouraged or inspired by my posts. I love this, but I don't feel worthy of this- so I struggle.
The reality is, Logan is the star here, and I am simply a messenger, or an interpreter in some instances. I have learned how to interact with him and bring out the best and worst in him, and I share that on my page for lots of reasons...but I feel guilty getting any credit for it.
I know, I know, I raised him, I should accept some credit, but honestly I just did what any and every parent does on a daily basis. Loved him, took care of him, helped him. His spirit is unique, and I am just very, very lucky that I got to be his parent.
Some days I have a hard time with it, with the fact that he struggles. I want things to be easier for him, more "normal", and not being able to give him that really hurts, but he brings me back up with a smile or a "honey nugget" and all is well for a while.
The truth about parenting, or about my life as a whole is, I have screwed up a lot. More than I care to admit, even to myself. I've been mean, I've been bitchy, I've been judgemental. I've said things I later regretted, and forgot to do important things I should have done. I'm human, but I've stumbled quite a bit. Logan helps me realize that this is all okay. These flaws, these screw ups, these personality traits I'm less proud of- they make me who I am, and they're okay- because overall I'm a good person. I try my best (almost) every day. I am aware of my mistakes and try not to follow those paths again.
Logan has taught me all of this. It's taken me almost 39 years to reach a place where I can really appreciate this. After 23+ years with my husband, I can finally appreciate him. We really butted heads for a long, long time after we realized Logan was having some issues. We coped differently and he really went off the deep end on me for a while there. He wasn't dealing well and he surely wasn't helping me, and I resented him for a long time for that. It's taken him years to make that up to me, but I'm really glad we sucked it up and pushed through it.
So, I'm not a perfect super-mom. I haven't figured out the answers to how to parent a kid who needs extra help. I'm just like every other mom, with failures, laundry that needs to be done, screw ups, a few pounds that need to be lost, and a husband who can absolutely drive me nutty- but it all works.
Take whatever you have in your life, and strip it down to what matters. It really makes you appreciate it fully. It may take a while, but you'll get there. I did. I never thought I would, but I did. Now I think back to all of those years spent wandering around in my own head, like a ship afloat with no course, and I think to myself, wow, how did you even cope day to day? I am so anchored now, I can't imagine going back to that, but in reality, anything can send you spiraling off course, and there's little you can do to prevent it...so embrace what you have solid and good in your life today, even if that's a husband or wife who drives you nuts, or a screaming kid who you just want to walk away from. You can never tell what tomorrow may bring to your doorstep, and you might look back and wish you'd made the most of what you had yesterday.
|Logan bustin' a move at Abby's wedding|